What Would Batman Do?

You might notice something new to the right side of this page.  You see it?  Right there.  It’s a poll!  I figured out how to put a poll on my blog!  Watch out, Oracle, there’s a new tech-savvy, Batman stalker in town!  So, be sure to vote for your favorite Batman villain.  I couldn’t fit everyone, of course, but then again, I don’t expect to get a lot of complaints for not including the Ventriloquist and Black Mask.  Depending on the reception this poll gets, this could be a regular thing for WWBD (I’m going to start calling it that too.  Get used to it!).  Now get out there–and by “there,” I mean “here”–and vote!

You’ll also notice a countdown widget (am I amazing, or what?) for the upcoming LEGO Batman game.  The widget alone proves that I’m not the only one looking forward to this game, but I’ll convince you more tomorrow about why you need to get it.

Stop casting aside your hopes and dreams, referring to them only as “rumors.”  Straight from Comic Con, the actual trailer for X-Men Origins: Wolverine.  That’s right, Wolverine.  Go watch this really fast then come back.

Awesomeness!

Did you watch it yet?  No?  Okay, I’ll give you one more minute.

How awesome was that?  Wolverine, man.  Wolverine!  It seems like Wolverine is the one X-man that nobody hates.  I’m still trying to discern the science behind it.  I’ve heard passionate diatribes against Rogue, Jubilee, Beast, Cyclops (though to be honest, he has it coming), but Wolverine is that cigar-smoking anti-hero who still gives us all a boner whenever we hear a determined SNIKT!  From the trailer, we can catch some glimpses of Sabertooth, Blob, and Gambit.  Gambit!  Me chere!  In case you were wondering (it’s possible), Gambit was supposed to be in X-Men 3, but was ultimately replaced with Multiple Man.  Maybe someone likes Multiple Man. . .

Anyways, this opens doors for the still-rumored Magneto movie and maybe even some Age of Apocalypse spin-off.  And with the way Marvel’s been churning out movies lately, well, there’s still a whole shitload of characters and story lines to the X-Men mythos, some that can even crossover into the Iron Man/Hulk/Avengers movies (insert orgasming emoticon).  Maybe I’m getting too far ahead of myself. . .

After the mild popularity of my recent post, “What Bush and Batman Have in Common,” I couldn’t resist mentioning this piece of gold. As I mentioned in that post, I have no intention of making this blog a political one (Nader/Gonzales ‘08! Woo-hoo!), merely to pass along snippets of pop culture that make us laugh and think and admire the greatness of the Dark Knight Detective. The question: Can you tell the difference between the campy 60s TV show Batman and still-President George Bush Jr.? One man dares to find out. . .

Bush or Batman?

This post-maker-thingamajig is being stupid today, so you actually have to click on the link above. I know, it’s like we’re cavemen.

I finally got around to seeing The Dark Knight for a second time. I recommend everyone to see it at least twice (if only for the fact that CNN reports that it’s this close to beating Titanic in ticket sales). I was able to hear things I missed before and pay attention to plot points that didn’t seem to fit. Of course, I’m not going to spoil anything for you, assuming you’re reading a blog about the Dark Knight without actually having seen the greatest movie of all time, The Dark Knight. I will say this though: I almost cried at the end.

The best part might have been when there was this cockroach, a real cockroach mind you, on the screen. It might have been a June-bug, actually. Anyways, this Juneroach is crawling over the screen during one of Mr. J’s uber creepy scenes. My friend next to me was going insane. She has a fear of bugs bordering on a phobia, and for about ten minutes she kept saying, “It’s going to land on me, it’s going to land on me!” And wouldn’t you know it? A film school student/movie theater guy came out and hit the screen with a broom, and that cockbug flew right towards my seemingly paranoid crony.

But getting back to Batman–the whole event brought me back to Batman Begins. And so, I leave you with this excerpt from the film to help us make sense of a world that often appears to be an eternal battle of man versus nature:

Thomas Wayne: The bats again?
[Bruce nods]
Thomas Wayne: You know why they attacked you, don’t you? They were afraid of you.
Bruce Wayne - age 8: Afraid of me?
Thomas Wayne: All creatures feel fear.
Bruce Wayne - age 8: Even the scary ones?
Thomas Wayne: Especially the scary ones.

Now, I’m not one to toot my own horn or anything (despite whatever scandalous sex tape may surface to prove otherwise), but I think we’ve got a pretty good deal going on here. I mean, I make a blog post, and the few of you who read this consider making comments. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve had in years. But it has come to my attention that there are other blogs devoted to the Holy One Blessed Be He out there. I would like to highlight one such web log now.

BAT-BLOG is another shrine to the Doer of All Things Pure and Good, run by one Tommy Bat Fan! (sic). He often posts several different items a day and was just named “Site of the Week” by AMC (if that means anything). His posts often relate to new Batman toys and other material things, and his grammar isn’t necessarily up to the level of yours truly, but BAT-BLOG brings a bounty of news bits that might ordinarily slip past your bat-dar. Bro. Plus, while on the site, your cursor actually turn into a mini Batman logo (How the hell does that work?)! Check it out here:

http://tomztoyz.blogspot.com/

The Wall Street Journal just published an article titled, “What Bush and Batman Have in Common,” citing similarities between the recent big screen version of the Dark Knight and still-president George Bush Jr. Now, I don’t really intend to discuss politics in this blog (Obama ‘08! Woo-hoo!), but the article in question definitely maintains a conservative bias. I will dispute certain aspects of the article not as a godless-gay-married-baby-killing-Daily-Show-watching-Frenchman (insert pink emoticon), but as the world’s most reliable source on all things Batman. Below is the complete article from The Wall Street Journal’s website.

What Bush and Batman Have in Common

By ANDREW KLAVAN
July 25, 2008; Page A15

A cry for help goes out from a city beleaguered by violence and fear: A beam of light flashed into the night sky, the dark symbol of a bat projected onto the surface of the racing clouds . . .

Oh, wait a minute. That’s not a bat, actually. In fact, when you trace the outline with your finger, it looks kind of like . . . a “W.”

Warner Bros. Pictures

There seems to me no question that the Batman film “The Dark Knight,” currently breaking every box office record in history, is at some level a paean of praise to the fortitude and moral courage that has been shown by George W. Bush in this time of terror and war. Like W, Batman is vilified and despised for confronting terrorists in the only terms they understand. Like W, Batman sometimes has to push the boundaries of civil rights to deal with an emergency, certain that he will re-establish those boundaries when the emergency is past.

And like W, Batman understands that there is no moral equivalence between a free society — in which people sometimes make the wrong choices — and a criminal sect bent on destruction. The former must be cherished even in its moments of folly; the latter must be hounded to the gates of Hell.

“The Dark Knight,” then, is a conservative movie about the war on terror. And like another such film, last year’s “300,” “The Dark Knight” is making a fortune depicting the values and necessities that the Bush administration cannot seem to articulate for beans.

Conversely, time after time, left-wing films about the war on terror — films like “In The Valley of Elah,” “Rendition” and “Redacted” — which preach moral equivalence and advocate surrender, that disrespect the military and their mission, that seem unable to distinguish the difference between America and Islamo-fascism, have bombed more spectacularly than Operation Shock and Awe.

Why is it then that left-wingers feel free to make their films direct and realistic, whereas Hollywood conservatives have to put on a mask in order to speak what they know to be the truth? Why is it, indeed, that the conservative values that power our defense — values like morality, faith, self-sacrifice and the nobility of fighting for the right — only appear in fantasy or comic-inspired films like “300,” “Lord of the Rings,” “Narnia,” “Spiderman 3″ and now “The Dark Knight”?

The moment filmmakers take on the problem of Islamic terrorism in realistic films, suddenly those values vanish. The good guys become indistinguishable from the bad guys, and we end up denigrating the very heroes who defend us. Why should this be?

The answers to these questions seem to me to be embedded in the story of “The Dark Knight” itself: Doing what’s right is hard, and speaking the truth is dangerous. Many have been abhorred for it, some killed, one crucified.

Leftists frequently complain that right-wing morality is simplistic. Morality is relative, they say; nuanced, complex. They’re wrong, of course, even on their own terms.

Left and right, all Americans know that freedom is better than slavery, that love is better than hate, kindness better than cruelty, tolerance better than bigotry. We don’t always know how we know these things, and yet mysteriously we know them nonetheless.

The true complexity arises when we must defend these values in a world that does not universally embrace them — when we reach the place where we must be intolerant in order to defend tolerance, or unkind in order to defend kindness, or hateful in order to defend what we love.

When heroes arise who take on those difficult duties themselves, it is tempting for the rest of us to turn our backs on them, to vilify them in order to protect our own appearance of righteousness. We prosecute and execrate the violent soldier or the cruel interrogator in order to parade ourselves as paragons of the peaceful values they preserve. As Gary Oldman’s Commissioner Gordon says of the hated and hunted Batman, “He has to run away — because we have to chase him.”

That’s real moral complexity. And when our artistic community is ready to show that sometimes men must kill in order to preserve life; that sometimes they must violate their values in order to maintain those values; and that while movie stars may strut in the bright light of our adulation for pretending to be heroes, true heroes often must slink in the shadows, slump-shouldered and despised — then and only then will we be able to pay President Bush his due and make good and true films about the war on terror.

Perhaps that’s when Hollywood conservatives will be able to take off their masks and speak plainly in the light of day.

So, Mr. Klavan’s main argument seems to lie in the fact that both characters fight for what they believe in no matter what others may think of them. That’s a pretty broad characteristic; after all, how many other superheroes fight for the common good while being mocked by the public? How many senators, and talk show hosts, and religious leaders do the very same thing only to gain the scorn of the American majority?

Klavan is correct when he states that both W. Bush and B. Wayne believe that end justifies the means. Just as the still-president tears up portions of the Constitution that don’t sit well, The Caped Crusader knows that every now and then you have to hang a dirty cop over the side of a building to get some answers. But the difference is, and this is the big difference, Batman never ever kills. Batman believes that underneath the masks and makeup and torn psyches, everyone is a human being, everyone is capable of redemption. While Bush Jr. throws out words like “evil” and “unforgivable,” The Knower of All Things knows better. He knows that everyone is capable of redemption, because he too wants to be redeemed for his sometimes questionable actions.

The best example of the contrast between the Dark Knight and the Decider can be seen in Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns. In this bible, Batman is indirectly at odds with the president of the United States (a cowboy version of Ronald Reagan), who is determined to win his war against the Soviets. He cares little for the American lives lost and forces Superman, the symbol of all things good and great about our nation, to fight against the red menace. It’s really the greatest comic book printed to date.

Yes, Bush and Batman do things that people don’t always agree with. But besides that, well, their names both start with “B.” But perhaps Andrew Klavan is only familiar with the Batman portrayed in the trailers he sees during commercial breaks for The O’Reilly Factor. Or perhaps a better name for this article could have been “What Michael Moore and Batman Have in Common.” (insert chubby emoticon with glasses and a hat)

I was listening to NPR the other day when they had an interview with Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale (this was presumably recorded before he was arrested for killing his entire family). They had a lot of interesting things to say, particularly when Nolan discussed his influences for the Joker’s look. He looked at a lot of classic artwork and tried to make an aura of uncleanliness about the Clown Prince of Crime. They both agreed that Heath Ledger pulled off a god-like performance worthy of 100 Oscars and fervently denied accusations that he killed himself because of the stress of playing such a sadistic character. And seriously, killing yourself over a movie?

I have a greater respect for Nolan and Bale because of the interview and a greater admiration (if that’s even possible) for The Dark Knight itself. The full interview can be found here:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=92581365&ft=1&f=13

So, the other day I was on a real Batman kick after seeing The Dark Knight and I needed more.  I watched Batman Forever on TNT, searched everywhere for my copy of Batman: The Long Halloween, and even took a look at a later episode of the animated series The Batman.  Big mistake.

I swore off the series when it first came out and ruined everything the other animated series worked so hard to maintain.  Aside from discarding Danny Elfman’s masterpiece theme song, The Batman ruins all of your favorite villains–The Penguin, Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, Bane, basically everyone.  The series seemed to be intent on returning The Holy One back to days of the campy 60s TV show.  This could be seen most clearly with the use of the 60s theme song with a surf-rock spin and casting Adam West as the voice of the mayor.  Now, I loved the live-action show just as much as any fanboy, but this was 2004 for Wayne’s sake.  Batman Begins was just on the horizon to reinvigorate the franchise and we were given this steaming pile of guano.  Oy.

Anyways, I watched the second to last episode–during which the writers decided to introduce their own kiddy version of the Justice League–where all the super-powered members of the league end up getting kidnapped.  Now, this next part I’m not counting as a spoiler because if you actually watch The Batman for any reason other than getting completely angry, I’m excommunicating you from this blog.  Okay.  So, the “villain” ends up taking the powers of Superman, The Flash, Martian Manhunter, Hawkman, and Green Lantern and putting their abilities into robots.  The only problem is (aside from being retarded), Green Lantern’s power comes from his power ring (and thus can’t be robotically stolen from his body) and Hawkman just has wings, and if you really need some super machine to add wings to your already-super robot. . . ugh.  I can’t do this.  Post over.

I just saw The Dark Knight last knight (insert smugly giggling emoticon) and I can say with full confidence that it’s everything we dreamed it to be and more. I may be a little bit biased. I’ll probably see it again tonight, if I can convince my brother to come.

Heather Ledger pulled off a fantastic Mr. J in a performance worthy of being his last. He will be sorely missed. Maggie Gyllenhaal made us ask, “Katie Who?”, and Aaron Eckhart gets two thumbs up, too (insert smuger giggling emoticon). I already have at least five ideas for a sequel, all bordering on the style of Frank Miller. Possible titles include Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Batman: Two of a Kind, and Batman: Raiders of the Lost Ark. Anyways, The Dark Knight, best movie ever. See it now. Bye.

The Dark Knight will be released in a mere 23 hours, 42 minutes, and 13 seconds here in Phoenix, so it seems appropriate to take a look back at The Almighty One’s previous big screen debuts (with my enlightening commentary to let you know how to feel). We begin with. . .

Batman (1966)

The television series that lampooned Batman and Robin was adapted into the official first Batman movie. Though some may argue. . . Well, this wasn’t the Dark Knight we’re all used to, but one can’t help but enjoy Adam West’s almost-Shakespearean overacting and Burt Ward’s interpretation of Robin as a closet homosexual. It was nice to see all our favorite villains (The Joker, The Penguin, Catwoman, and The Riddler) team up against the dynamic duo, but their incessant laughing, nonsensical dastardly plans, and terrible, terrible plays on words cause us to wish Our Main Man was only pitted against King Tut (remember King Tut?). Highlights included an excellent musical score, the use of “Shark Repellent Bat Spray” (never leave home without it), and the birth of those wise, immortal words, “Sometimes you just can’t get rid of a bomb.”

Batman (1989)

Tim Burton’s Batman opened the world to the caped crusader with the darker twist, which was just becoming popularized in the comic book world thanks in large part to Frank Miller’s Dark Knight saga. Batman was dark, respected, and feared at long last. Vicki Vale (as batastically preformed by Kim Basinger) provided the romantic interest, which I don’t believe has ever occurred again in a major Batman story. Michael Keaton pulled off a suave Bruce Wayne/symbolically diabolical Batman, and I have friends who swear to this day that Jack Nicholson is their one and only Clown Prince of Crime (meanwhile, rumors are already circulating about a posthumous Oscar for Heath Ledger).

Batman Returns (1992)

This is probably my favorite of the original movie series. Danny DeVito’s take on The Penguin was truly something beyond words (though officially, I prefer the clean, pompous version of Oswald Cobblepot), and Christopher Walken, well, we’ve all had nightmares with Christopher Walken (insert shuddering emoticon). We got to see the people of Gotham against Batman, and the sacrifices He is willing to make to protect them. Perhaps even more electrifying was Michelle Pfieffer’s sultry Catwoman (meow!), a deep departure from the pointy bra adversary we were accustomed to back in 1966. I also get a bat-boner every time I see the batmobile break into three different pieces as the middle section rolls safely through an alleyway passage. Why haven’t we seen more of that shit? Five batarangs in my book.

Batman Forever (1995)

This is where things started to go a little downhill. The whole two-villains-at-once-routine seemed to work for Batman Returns, so two major actors were thrust into the roles of Two Face and The Riddler. The problem is, Two Face is such a strong character on his own, and you can’t make an amazing Two Face story without mentioning Harvey Dent’s friendship with Bruce Wayne. Add to that the inclusion of Robin, an unlikable Robin, and things start to get a little ugly. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I like my Robins young and nymph-like (insert creepy, lip-smacking emoticon).

Batman and Robin (1997)

Oy. Do we have to do this one? Aside from Uma and Ahnuld’s poor acting, a cheap introduction to Bane, a completely unnecessary romantic subplot, the use “bat skates,” and Batman having nipples on his costume, George Clooney actually portrays a fairly nice Batman. This could have been a great place for Robin to leave and become Nightwing, but alas, I was only eleven year old at the time and not eligible for a job at Warner Brothers. Also, I never really understood why it was called Batman and Robin when it introduces Batgirl.

Batman Begins (2005)

Where were you when it began? I, personally, was in a movie theater at the time, watching a new era unfold before my eyes. The Dark Knight was dark once more, nippleless and displaying a portion of his training under the immortal gaze of Ra’s Al Ghul. Friendships were forged, destinies were alluded to, and it never felt better to be a Batman fan. Until tomorrow.