What Would Batman Do?

But soon, Jack on.  Jack Bauer, that is.  On TV, that is.  What the hell were you thinking?

Season seven of 24 starts in a mere thirteen days, fourteen hours, and fifty-two minutes (insert dramatic clock ticking sound).  People will tell you that the past five seasons or so have been “too unrealistic” or “bordering on racism.”  They’ll say the plots go everywhere and nowhere at once, that the plot twists become less and less shocking.  These people, they’ll try to convince you that 24 is nothing but cheesy action scenes and fear-mongering at its crudest, most elementary level.

Let me tell you this: Anyone who disses 24 is a terrorist.

Did you miss the 24 movie, Redemption , a few weeks ago on FOX?  Not a problem when Jack’s on the job.  It turns out you can watch Redemption in its entirety on FOX’s website (there’s some episodes from the first season on it, too).

So, watch Redemption, make this your wallpaper, and get excited for the next season of 24 premiering January 11, 2009.

Chanukkah’s over (insert sad emoticon).  But before you pack up your dreidels and menorahs, before you lick the last crumbs of latkes from your grandmother’s supposed “China” that you actually saw on sale at Big Lots for $19.99, we have one last present to give to the Man Who Deserves More Than We Can Give.

With a total of 10 miraculous votes, our poll is closed.  Ten percent (one person, in case you failed middle school math) voted to give Batman Scrabble.  Mork and Mindy: The Complete Second Season, a 16 gigabyte iPhone, and an Applebee’s gift card all tied for second place with 20% (two votes) each.  But it was with three important votes (30%) that WWBD readers chose to give Batman High School Musical 3 on DVD.   Use it in good health, Batman.

The thing is, this movie won’t actually be available for sale until February 17, 2009 .  But we got it!  It’s a Hanukah miracle!

Sundown will begin here in approximately eight hours and thirty-four minutes, meaning that’s when the last night of Chanukkah will begin, meaning that’s when I’m closing the poll .  Vote now for what you’d get Batman for Hanukah or forever hold your peace.

We’ve got nine votes so far, but I’m sure we can crank it up chaier to eighteen (insert giggling emoticon).

Vote now.

Eartha Kitt , perhaps best known for her portrayal of Catwoman in the final season of the 1960s Batman TV show, as well as providing her voice talents to The Emperor’s New Groove and My Life as a Teenage Robot, as well as making Lady Bird Johnson cry after relating her anti-war sentiments at the White House, has died.  Apparently, she also sang .

Now you might hear some critics claim that Julie Newmar was the most believable Catwoman or that Lee Meriwether was the hottest, but just remember that it was Kitt’s shrill, sultry banter that gave Catwoman the coveted title of “villainess.”  So says I .

To honor her memory, I now present you part one of what may be the most ridiculous episode of Batman ever.  Enjoy Eartha Kitt in this 1966 classic, “Catwoman’s Dressed to Kill.”

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the phenomenally gifted actor from the critically acclaimed Who’s the Boss? and The Tony Danza Show, Mr. Tony Danza!

Cue applause, cue spotlight following Tony Danza to center podium.

TONY: Thank you, thank you.  It’s an honor to be here tonight to host the 100th blog post of What Would Batman Do?  You know, a lot of people never thought the blog would last this long.  They thought that a blog devoted entirely to Batman and other topics of contemporary geekdom wouldn’t last more than a week.

Cue sound effect — audience chuckling.

TONY: Well, they can all burn in hell now, right?  I mean, am I right?

Cue sound effect — crickets chirping.

TONY: Let’s take a look at some of our favorite WWBD moments.

Tony looks to above screen as post montage begins, set to Green Day’s “Good Riddance.”

We Begin with a Shot of a Movie Theater Playing “The Mark of Zorro” (July 9, 2008)

So, What Would Batman Do? has officially started. As one might guess, I intend to discuss Batman, bat-gear, bat-vehicles, and recent bat-episodes in great detail, but I also would like to branch out into other realms of contemporary geekdom.  Honestly, I’ll probably just do this for a week or so until I find a real job.

A Post About Batman (November 19, 2008)

Ugh.  Job applications are so boring (insert bored emoticon).

Why can’t people just give me money?  Seriously.  I’m much more deserving than GM, Chrysler, and Ford .

Alright, let’s talk about Batman.   What’s going on with Batman. . . . umm. . . . we already talked about The Brave and the Bold . . . and Robin’s dead . . .

Aww, fuck it.  I’m getting a new hobby.

Party Like it’s Post 99 (December 23, 2008)

Tomorrow (by which, I mean whenever I write the next post) will be What Would Batman Do?’s 100th blog post.  It should be the most exciting thing ever that you’ve ever seen, ever.

Aaron Eckhart from The Dark Knight is set to host, but if that falls through, we can always get Tony Danza.  That guy will do anything.

Spotlight back to Tony.

TONY: And even with the unprecedented success of the blog throughout the months, What Would Batman Do? never failed to maintain its journalistic integrity with a solid sense of neutrality in all subjects.  WWBD has always strived to take the high road when it comes to breaking bat-news.

Cue second montage.

What Bush and Batman Have in Common (July 25, 2008)

The Wall Street Journal just published an article titled, “What Bush and Batman Have in Common,” citing similarities between the recent big screen version of the Dark Knight and still-president George Bush Jr.  Are you kidding me?  I mean, seriously.  Are you fucking kidding me?

Megan Fox Megan Fox Megan Fox (December 1, 2008)

According to Wikipedia , Megan Fox’s back tattoo is actually a word-for-word transcript of Adolf Hitler’s speech at the 1927 Nuremberg Rally.

Did you know Megan Fox is actually a lesbian ?

I heard Megan Fox eats live babies.

Megan Fox faked the moon landing, you know.

My friend says that he saw Megan Fox giving a handjob to Dr. Phil in the parking lot of Walgreens.

All Megan Fox base are belong to us.

Ice Turds (November 7, 2008)

I brought a frozen bottle of water with me during my adventures today, and I played that game where you wait twenty minutes, then take a swig of the two drops of water that melted.  After a few hours, I admired the large, odd-shaped ice cube trapped within my plastic bottle, and I said to myself, “This must be what Mr. Freeze’s turds look like.”

Spotlight back to Tony, stealthily hiding a metal flask.

TONY: Of course, WWBD would be nowhere today were it not for its loyal and devoted readers.  Let’s take a minute to admire these admirable commentors who have feigned interest in the Hero of Heroes, for no other reason than to express their undying loyalty to an unemployed English graduate.

Cue third montage.

eclecticbird

threedegrees

danzafan51

Spotlight moves back to empty podium, searches for Tony.  Cue sound effect — audience whispering.  Curtains close.

Tomorrow (by which, I mean whenever I write the next post) will be What Would Batman Do?’s 100th blog post.  It should be the most exciting thing ever that you’ve ever seen, ever.

We’ll look back at some of our most memorable moments and enjoy a comedic roast from none other than David Spade.  There will also be a special appearance from a certain actor from the hit movie Twilight (the Spanish version).  Plus, one of these people will die:

This generic milestone will also present us (by which, I mean me) with a unique opportunity to evaluate WWBD and determine what’s working.  This past week, What Would Batman Do? jumped to the coveted number eight position in traffic on Today.com , thanks in large part to Megan Fox and Google’s inability to resist my boyish charm (insert boyish emoticon).

I want to hold onto this spike in traffic, and I’ll do whatever it takes.  To quote the wise philosopher Confucius, “I’ve got this thing and it’s fucking golden, and, uh, uh, I’m just not giving it up for fuckin’ nothing.  I’m not gonna do it.  And, and I can always use it.  I can parachute me there.”  That was Confucius, right?

What happens when there’s no interesting bat-news and cute teenage girls show off their makeup skills on YouTube?  It’s Face Art Appreciation Day at WWBD (you can blame Birdie for pointing this one out to me).

Leesha, or as she’s known on the Tube, “xsparkage,” has an entire channel devoted entirely to makeup tips.  I don’t know much about eyeliner and gloss and deodorants, but I do know that this girl is an artist in every sense of the word.

She recently unveiled her latest look based on the The Dark Knight.  Watch, discuss, and send in pictures of how you did.

She also has an Iron Man inspired makeup tutorial , but you don’t have to watch that one.  I promise tomorrow we’ll talk about monster trucks and killing innocent wildlife.

Add this to your Hanukah list , too — Traveller’s Tales’ LEGO Batman: The Videogame (sic).

You wouldn’t expect a story that revolves around a man indirectly avenging the deaths of his parents could transfer well into LEGO form.  You would be wrong.  LEGO Batman: The Videogame (sic) takes all the funniest, cutest blocks of the Batman world and compounds them into a single game.  There’s plenty of laughs to be had as Robin fails to upstage the Mentor of Mentors, Harley Quinn fumbles the most basic of schemes, and Clayface is dumb as bricks.  Unfortunately, there’s also a good deal of slapstick humor, which can only help so much.

The story is pretty basic; the baddies break out of Arkham Asylum and split up into three teams (thus breaking the game into three different chapters) to cause as much chaos to Gotham City as they can before the LEGO Batman returns them to their cells.  The game has a number of striking similarities to the original movie series, in that the Riddler can control people’s minds, the Penguin can control penguins, and Mr. Freeze can’t act.  Also, Danny Elfman’s original theme song plays all freaking the time.

But this isn’t the kind of game we look at for a story.   The real charm of LEGO Batman: The Videogame (sic) comes during the many puzzles that appear throughout.  Players have to use the skills of each character and understand the uses of the LEGOs themselves to successfully bring peace back to Gotham.  The fighting element is a basic beat ‘em up system with no real distinguishing features (think LEGO Star Wars), but it’s these puzzles that truly define what the game is.  The sense of accomplishment felt after opening just a small door — a process taking time, precision, and some critical thinking skills — can only be described to the most devoted followers of Prince of Persia.

Replayability is the other major selling point of LEGO Batman: The Videogame.  Even after the credits roll the first time, the game cannot be entirely conquered until you play each chapter from the villians’ perspectives.  Every villian has different skills used to complete puzzles (rather than Batman and Robins’ various suits), and only by unlocking every villian, vehicle (did I mention the vehicle minigames?), and subcharacter (such as Batgirl, Nightwing, and Alfred) can you collect every Easter egg block.  This isn’t the game for those with OCD.

The graphics aren’t anything to drool over, but come on, it’s LEGOs.  No one’s really expecting jaw-dropping visuals from a game based on toys half an inch tall.

As far as simple and funny Batman games go, LEGO Batman: The Videogame (sic) is solid as a block.  Four LEGO batarangs out of five.

I promise to review LEGO Batman: The Videogame tomorrow and convince you to buy it for your spoiled children for Chanukah.  Until then, marvel at the upcoming Batman: Arkham Asylum (insert marveling emoticon).

Based on Grant Morrison and Dave McKean’s best-selling graphic novel Arkham Asylum , the game will take you into DC’s most notorious insane asylum as He Who is Too Great to Be Named.   You (Batman) will return the Joker, Killer Croc, and Poison Ivy to their cells, and have an amazing time — assuming that this particular Batman game is unlike almost every other one, which suck balls (insert — oh, never mind).

But I’m optimistic.  Eidos of Tomb Raider and Hitman fame is on board to produce this, and they’ve had a pretty decent track record lately (i.e., I’m not counting the past ten years of crappy Tomb Raider games).  Paul Dini is writing the script, and Mark Hamill and Kevin Conroy will be lending their voice talents.  This is good news.

And if the actual gameplay stacks up anywhere near to these beautiful graphics, Batman: Arkham Asylum may just be the game that forces me to buy a next-gen console.

For your perusal:

Good news!  You don’t have to watch Keanu Reeves’ dreadful acting skills just to see the trailer for X-Men Origins: Wolverine .  For your perusal:

Kick.  Ass.

Besides featuring Wolverine and Sabertooth, X-Men Origins: Wolverine will also include Blob, Gambit (insert infatuated emoticon), Deathstroke — uhh, I mean, Deadpool – and the trailer also shows what looks like a baby Storm.  It’s true.  Watch it again.  Watch it five times.

Did you see her?  Okay, let’s move on to the next film that will consume your attention in 2009, Dragon Ball: Evolution .  I’m actually pretty excited about this one, even if my comrades in arms are entirely pessimistic.  Dragon Ball Z is an over-the-top story anyways, so there’s no real way to make it look cheesier than it already is.  We’ve all imagined what a DBZ movie would look like (admit it), and it never looked nearly as good as this:

So be optimistic.  Remember how sure we were that Transformers was going to suck balls ?  And now look.  I’ve got an Optimus Prime poster hanging on my wall right now.  Who’s to say it can’t be replaced with this one?

The trailer madness should continue, as I predict the trailer for Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li to be released any day now.  It’s going to be a crazy year.