What Would Batman Do?

I thought I could stay strong, I thought I would be able to take it all in small doses, but there’s no use denying it anymore — I’m completely and utterly addicted to Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3 .  Maybe it’s the entire ridiculousness of the setting or the sub par acting or the simple fact that every chick in the game is half-naked and clutching an overheated gatling gun; I don’t know.  I do know that I’m in love.

No, not with Natasha.  I’m in love with a game that revels in its own immaturity, that eventually inserts its own little voice in your head, goading you, taunting, “Come on, just one more battle.  You can bomb the shit out of those capitalist pigs for just one more battle.”  This is the unhealthiest relationship I’ve had in years, and that’s saying a lot .  But, oh my Batman, do I love this game.

The story starts out with the leaders of the Soviet Union going back in time to kill Albert Einstein so that he could never create the weapons that would ultimately lead to their downfall.  But wait, it gets better.  This massive change to the universal timeline does keep their archenemies — the Allies — at bay, but this also allows Japan to become a massive world superpower with unparalleled technology (since they never had the atomic bombs dropped on them).

The campaign mode is driven by this drivel, yet it somehow works thanks to the acting of George Takei, Jenny McCarthy, Kelly Hu, Tim Curry, and J.K. Simmons.  The music is fantastic too.  I bought the Premier Edition , which comes included with the entire soundtrack of the game, and it’s the only thing I’ve been listening to for the past week (in between the Jonas Brothers).

And of course, the gameplay itself is fun.  It embraces the zaniness of the story by letting you build and train armored grizzly bears, killer dolphins, and giant samurai robots, then makes you fight your enemies in a format eerily similar to chess.  See, there’s land, air, and sea units and they can only attack certain other types of units.  To make things more complicated, many units can transform themselves or change a weapon, allowing them to attack different units.

I’m probably making it all sound a lot more confusing than it really is.  This might be a completely normal video game style for real-time strategy games; my only other experience with an RTS was Dawn of War , which also consumed (and still does) the entirety of my free time.

I can’t write anymore.  I need to play one more battle and bomb the shit out of those capitalist pigs.  Four and a half batarangs out of five.

It’s a good thing I consistently updated the poll results today, because in the past 24 hours, there’s been one more votes (insert snarky emoticon).

The final results put Wolverine on top after a long, uneventful battle.  The clawed Canadian won with 65% (17 votes), narrowly — and by “narrowly,” I mean “kicked major butt” — beating Chun-Li and her 35% (9 votes).  The girl put up a good fight, but when it comes right down to it, Wolverine’s been torn into pieces and still walked away from it.

Congratulations on this well-deserved victory, Wolverine.  And to Chun-Li, well, at least your movie doesn’t suck balls .  Everyone can start giving me ideas for a new poll now.

The score is now 9 to 17, Wolverine, but I assure you this is still anyone’s game.  Cue the dramatic battle music and sit on the edge of your seat, there’s only a few more hours left in the poll .

You’ve had an entire month to ponder the results of an imaginary battle between Wolverine and Chun-Li (insert pondering emoticon), but tomorrow, with the release of Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (and to a lesser extent, Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience ), the poll will close.  Vote now and wear your “I Voted at WWBD Today” stickers proudly (stickers not included).

Logan is currently kicking butt with 64% of the vote, but the 32-bit fighter with 32DDs only needs eight more votes for a KO.  I’ll be updating the results of the poll throughout the day (i.e., once) as I camp outside the local movie theater dressed up as M. Bison.  I’m sure I won’t be the only one (insert lonely emoticon).

And to get you back in the mood of nonsensical, epic fights between your childhood heroes, enjoy Lemon Demon’s “The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny”:

In case you haven’t heard the big news yet, I’ve been busy hanging out with my new girlfriend and don’t have a lot of time to find something batastic to blog about.  Luckily, there’s a new blog in town, and while we all know you’ll never find a blog as amazing as WWBD, I’m always eager to recommend other writers who grace the blogobatosphere.

Today, we look at the work of Gonzo over at X-Ray Vision. A fellow Today.com blogger, Gonzo looks at the world of comic books by citing actual comic books, as opposed to, say, randomly inserting links and images of Megan Fox.

But Gonzo also brings humor and a real personality to his blog, two essential ingredients for any successful web log. More importantly, he fully understands that Batman is the one and only deity worthy of our constant praise.

Be sure to check out Gonzo’s X-Ray Vision whenever you get a chance (i.e., after you finish reading and memorizing every post on this blog).

Here’s a YouTube series you have to become an instant fan of.  “How It Should Have Ended” looks at all your favorite movies and tells you how they should have ended if they were at all close to real situations and involved real people (insert real emoticon).

Take a look at this clip, detailing how the original Christopher-Reeves-and-Gene-Hackman-filled Superman should have ended.  It’s incredibly funny and there’s even a surprise cameo performance from someone special (it’s Batman).

Check their archive to see more parodies of all your favorites, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, The Matrix, Pirates of the Caribbean, Spiderman — actually, you don’t have to watch the Spiderman one.

And continuing with the post-Oscar buzz , here’s Jimmy Kimmel’s trailer for his own award reaping film, The Curious Case of Benjamin Batman:

While you and I were justifiably boycotting the 81st Annual Academy Awards last night, my sources tell me that justice was at least served for The Dark Knight for best sound editing and best supporting actor .  I’d like to congratulate Heath Ledger and his hot sisters on this well-deserved honor.  Suck on that, Robert Downey Jr.!

This is truly an historic moment in our collective movie history, as I cannot recall another single instance of a superhero movie being nominated for, and winning, an Oscar.  Such a moment speaks volumes about the universal appeal to the Doer of All Things Pure and Good and the previously unappreciated acting ability of Heath Ledger.

Now let’s all enjoy a scene from The Dark Knight showcasing some of that amazing acting and sound editing — a scene that was definitely not directed by the Wachowski Brothers .

As we conclude Make Fun of Successful Directors Week at WWBD, let us now admire the work of a man who knows that the key to making entertaining films involves long scenes of pure dialogue and at a lot of cheesy action scenes.

Ha.  I love that.  Now here’s The Dark Knight as written and directed by Quentin Tarantino (starring Samuel L. Jackson and Uma Thurman):

INT. LAB, WAYNE ENTERPRISES — NIGHT

Lucius Fox looks up as the console CHIMES.

FOX

I’m zeroing in.

THE JOKER (O.S.)

Through the magic of diesel fuel and ammonium nitrate, I’m ready right now to blow you all sky high. Anyone attempts to get off their boat, you all die…

FOX

His voice is on the ferry, but that’s not the…

Fox is interrupted by the CRACKLE of record player starting up.  Neal Hefti’s 1960s Batman TV theme song echoes throughout the lab.  Fox searches the darkness, quizzically.

WOMAN (O.S.)

Quite a nice vinyl collection you got here.

Her voice gets louder with each footstep.

WOMAN (O.S.)

People nowadays are so obsessed with CDs and MP3s they’ve forgotten the charm that vinyls offered to generations wiser than their own.  The thing about these records is that they’re supposed to have crackles and pops.

The woman walks out of the darkness with a PARA ORDNANCE WARTHOG PISTOL pointed at Fox.  She wears a dirty clown costume and has fresh scars around her mouth.  She smiles, her face slathered with white makeup.

WOMAN

It’s their flaws that make them beautiful.

FOX

And who the fuck do you think you are?

WOMAN

Uh, uh, uh, Foxy. 

Shakes her pointer finger, as if scolding a child.

WOMAN

You don’t want to cuss at the chick pointing a loaded weapon at you.

Fox stares at the woman for one beat, then quickly throws a BATARANG from under his sleeve.  The batarang hits the woman in the right side of her torso, sending her backwards and into the record player.  The music stops.  The woman is bloody and whimpering.  Fox grabs her neck.

FOX

What’s your name?

WOMAN

Huh… huh…

FOX

I said what’s your name, bitch!

WOMAN

Huh… Harley.  Harley Quinzel.

FOX

Well, Harley, let me tell you a little something about the world I live in.  The real world.  The world I live in, skinny little bitches like you have to give sloppy BJs to their boyfriends on the Gotham Metro.  The world I live in, a hard-working, mild-mannered n***** like me has to work his ass off to be able to wear a bow tie every goddamn day.  You see, we have rules in the world I live in.  You understand rules, Harley?

Harley Quinn tries to nod her head, but struggles as Fox CHOKES her.  Camera cuts to shot of Harley reaching for her gun, inches away.

FOX

No, you don’t understand rules.  You want to live without rules, right?  You gave your very last BJ to Tony the neighborhood…

Harley grabs her pistol and quickly fires.  BAM!  It hits Fox in the ear and he screams in pain.  Harley scrambles behind a nearby column.

FOX

Ow!  You shot me!  You shot me, you fucking bitch!  You shot me in my goddamn ear!

Harley Quinn closes her eyes and breathes deeply, stroking her gun.  Fox grasps at the remains of his BLOODY EAR and ambles to what looks like a file cabinet and unlocks the bottom drawer.

HARLEY QUINN

I told you…  I told you not to cuss at me!

Harley steps out from behind the column and fires at Fox’s general direction.  Fox pulls out a large GATLING GUN from the drawer and cocks the pump on top.  A batarang flies out of the discharge.  He turns to Harley’s oncoming bullets.

FOX

Die, muthafucka!

Oh shit, that’s awesome!  Tell me that’s not the most goddamn, motherfucking awesome shit you’ve ever read!  Harley Quinn image courtesy of Gato-Chico .

It’s time to make fun of the Wachowski brothers.  Andy and Larry (or depending on what magazine you read, Andy and Lana ) Wachowksi have officially gotten the red light to direct an upcoming Superman movie , but that doesn’t mean they never had their eyes on the One (not that One, I’m talking about Batman).

So, what if these supposed creators of The Matrix trilogy wrote a script for The Dark Knight?  From page 85:

WHAM! The Joker’s face HITS the table- comes up for air- CRACK! CRACK! To the head. Batman is in front of him. The Joker stares, fascinated. Bleeding.

THE JOKER

Never start with the head… victim gets fuzzy. Can’t feel the next-

CRACK! Batman’s fist SMACKS down on the Joker’s fingers.

THE JOKER

(calm)

See?

BATMAN

You wanted me. Here I am.

THE JOKER

Indeed. I call, you come.  Almost as if… you were programmed to.

The Joker narrows his eyes with suspicion.

THE JOKER

Tell me, Dark Knight Detective, what now grabs your entire being?  What question has enslaved your entire psyche to the point that your physical body cannot help but grimace?

BATMAN

Where is Harvey Dent?

THE JOKER

Ah, yes.  Mr. Dent.  Yet another good guy recruited by you and Mr. Gordon in your impossible quest to contain chaos.

BATMAN

Where is he?

THE JOKER

Where is he?  Where is anybody?  Where are you but not in an unsolvable quandary that may never end without the hasteful use of a single, penetrating bullet?

Camera makes slow trek towards the side of Batman’s head.

THE JOKER

But you came to me with a simple question, as are all questions.  Where is Harvey Dent?  I can tell you, Mr. Detective, but you may still be unsatisfied with the answer.  You may still have yet more questions, you may question the very nature of questions itself.

BATMAN

Why would I have more questions?

THE JOKER

Ah, you see?  It has already started. For you see, some questions do not have answers, they only lead to more questions.  Now ask me once more, Mr. Detective, what do you wish to know?

Batman stares blankly at the Joker.

BATMAN

If Harvey Dent… were to tell me where he is… what would he say?

THE JOKER

You catch on quickly, Mr. Detective.  For while I may not know the location of Mr. Dent, I do know where Mr. Dent would say he is, and that is of course because I know where he is.

Batman stares blankly at the Joker.

BATMAN

I would like to know where he is.

THE JOKER

I know many things.  I know the location of Mr. Dent at this very moment.  Where he now breathes, heavily due to the noxious fumes now engulfing his lungs as he eagerly awaits rescue from a knight too ashamed to show his true colors to the denizens of Gotham City.  I know that you are beginning to feel the emotion fear; you fear not I, but what I may cause you to do to me, and ultimately, yourself.  I know that by not giving you the answers you wish to hear from the questions you ask, I risk intense physical harm to my body.  Tell me, Mr. Detective, what do you know?

BATMAN

I know kung-fu.

Batman and the Joker simultaneously leap onto the steel table that separated them.  They begin a flashy kung-fu fight, neither of them able to land a blow on the other.  Finally, both fighters smack their palms together, sending them to opposite corners of the interrogation room.  After gracefully landing, Batman flings three batarangs towards a manically laughing Joker.  In slow motion, The Joker dodges the projectiles by quickly arching his back backwards as the camera encircles him in a 360 degree arc.

THE JOKER

Stop trying to hit me and hit me!

Pretty badass, huh?  I forgot to mention Batman’s played by Keanu Reeves in this one.