What Would Batman Do?

Despite the fact that we all know Batman: The Brave and the Bold blows chunks , some people aren’t so enlightened.  The show already has completed episodes for a second season lined up, and there are even a few literate writers who are praising the show.

In a Newsarama interview with Diedrich Bader , the voice of the Holy One, Blessed Be He in the show, the former punchline to The Drew Carey Show expresses his pleasure at the supposed success The Brave and the Bold is currently having.  But I (and by extension, you) am still not convinced we need a Batman with eyebrows .

But enough about crappy TV shows.  Let’s remember a wiser, funnier Diedrich Bader by taking a trip down memory lane with season three episode seven of The Drew Carey Show (that’s the one where Drew wins the Batman Forever Batmobile and introduces his girlfriend to Master Dick).  Enjoy:

There’s been some small changes to the blog today that will have monumental consequences to every aspect of your life.

First off, I had to get rid of Entrecard since they sold out to The Man .  I want to take this opportunity and thank Entrecard for the twenty-three page views they got me over the course of six months.  They will be missed.

I’ve also moved my hefty collection of blog awards over to its own page.  By the way, why haven’t you invented a new, unneccessary blog award for WWBD yet?

Finally, there’s a new banner for Free Rice on the left.  I just realized I haven’t mentioned Free Rice on here yet and I apologize (insert puppy dog-eyed emoticon).  It’s a great site that lets you end world hunger and will embolden to your wastrel vocabulary at the same time.  Do you know what “wastrel” means?  I do, and I know I used it in the completely wrong manner.

Okay, that’s enough beating around the bush .  You know I love you guys, right?  You know I would never do anything to hurt you (insert teary-eyed emoticon).

The thing is, I finally heard back from the Peace Corps (I started applying last May) and it turns out I’ve been accepted as a volunteer to teach English in Bulgaria.  Please understand, it’s not you, it’s me.

I’m supposed to start my training May 19thish and I imagine I won’t have a whole lot of free time to write about Batmangasms .  And it turns out Bulgaria already has a blog discussing the world of Comrade Batman .  That’s not to say my blogging days are totally over, mind you.  Countless Peace Corps volunteers with Internet access maintain web logs during their service and I already have the perfect name picked out — Blogaria.

Okay, that’s enough Star Wars .  Are you guys following Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely’s new Batman & Robin series?  I didn’t think so.  But let’s talk about it anyways.

As you are already morbidy aware, Batman’s dead but we all know he’s not dead but DC’s having a helluva time pretending like we’re all pretending like he’s dead.  Batman & Robin, which goes on sale in June, will look at a future Gotham City in which a different Batman (who isn’t Bruce Wayne) and a different Robin (who isn’t Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, or Carrie Kelly) don their respective capes and cowls to continue the legacy of the Dark Knight and the Boy Wonder.  The mystery of just who are these caped crusaders is integral to a plot that somehow involves Damian, the bastard child of Bruce Wayne and Talia Al Ghul.

Of course, the punchline is that Bruce Wayne is still alive and waiting to finish the unresolved plots of The Black Glove, Batman & Son, and Batman R.I.P., something that DC has no qualms about letting us know.

And if you’ve understood even 50% of what I’ve written here, you qualify as being nerdy enough to read the full CBR News interview with Grant Morrison , who sounds surprisingly sane for being Grant Morrison.  Also, be sure to pick up the hardcover edition of Batman R.I.P .

This one is also good if you haven’t seen it in five years:

Ugh.  I fucking done with my fucking computer (insert fucking done emoticon).  It’s crashed on me for the dozenth time today and that’s it.  I’m done.  Fuck you, computer.  Have a nice life in computer heaven, say hi to my first Acer for me.

Okay, I’m kidding, computer.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean it, you know that.  I’ve just had a few too many beers tonight.  You know how I am when that happens .

But for Batman’s sakes, computer!  I was watching a fucking YouTube video !  How can that make you freeze?  How does that make sense?

Ugh.

The only thing that can slightly cheer me up right now is Darth Vader golfing.

Yeah, that really stems the pain (insert pallid emoticon).

According to Jett at BATMAN ON FILM , the live-action Green Lantern movie that no one seriously believes will be filmed, seriously has some juicy casting rumors.

In the running to play rookie space cop Hal Jordan is Chris Pine , who you may know from Star Trek, The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, and one episode of ER.  But not so fast.  Some industry insiders claim that Sam Worthington has been offered the role.

This is interesting because, as you no doubt remember, rumors were wild a few weeks ago that Worthington was slated to steal the role of the Dark Knight from his Terminator Salvation co-star Christian “A Duh Duh Da Da Like This in the Background” Bale in the inevitable sequel to The Dark Knight.  (I have to tell you, all this Hollywood drama is probably a lot more entertaining than an actual Green Lantern film.)

So, who’s green enough to don the one ring to rule them all?  Personally, I think either one of them has the right look to pull it off.  Hmmm.  We might need another poll here.

Have you guys seen the latest episode of South Park ?  Please tell me you have.

In episode two of season thirteen of South Park of Comedy Central, Eric Cartman takes it upon himself to perform a much needed service to his beloved town.  He dons a cape and cowl and dresses as the most fearsome creature of the night, the dreaded raccoon.  Under the name of “The Coon,” Cartman struggles to stop rapists and Butters while hiding his secret identity from his friends and family — or so he would like them to think.

The reason I’m mentioning this (besides the fact that it produces sensations of pleasure rivaling that of a Batmangasm ) is because the episode references a number of recent superhero movies — Watchmen, The Spirit, and most importantly, The Dark Knight .  There’s even a shockingly similar version of Hans Zimmer’s batastic score played throughout the episode.  Watch “The Heroic and Mighy Coon” via here , or via the soon-to-be-removed YouTube clip below.

Now.

Alternative post titles:

“Word Appreciation Day”

“Recovering From My Batmangasm”

Today we explore the too often ignored world of bat-grammar.  A Wikipedia of sorts for gangsta bibliophiles, Urban Dictionary allows users to submit their various slang words and phrases so that their parents can understand what they mean by “Chronicking up the shit out of that twatwaffle’s Chewbaccabush, yo.”

As a descriptive grammarian, I can think of no better tool to help ease modern slang into more formal language settings.  As a future substitute English teacher who understands the meaning and etymology of the word “bibliophile,” Urban Dictionary makes me want to gouge my eyes out and toss the remains to a ravenous pack of hyenas.

But today we admire the many phrases that stem from the Protector of Gotham’s existence.  Urban Dictionary currently has approximately forty-nine entries relating to Batman.  Let’s study the ones that everyone will be using in 2009.  Please note, all of the following entries have been edited to fit my low standards for dictionary entries.

Batman dat hoe -

(verb) 1. After fornicating with a random street walker, before paying you shoot a grappling hook out the window and fly out, yelling, “I’m Batman, bitch!”  2.  When you ejaculate on a woman’s face.

Related forms: Batman that woman , Batman that bitch

1. Person 1: “I wanna root this hot prostitute, but I have no money.”

Person 2: “Then Batman dat hoe.”

2. Brad fucked Carol and Batmanned dat hoe!

Batman drunk -

(adjective) 1. Being intoxicated by alcohol to such an extent that you pull an article of clothing (shirt or skirt, usually) over your head and pretend you’re Batman. Term was coined in an episode of Two and a Half Men.  2. A state of complete drunkenness where a person does inane, silly things they would not normally do (i.e., act like Batman).

1. While Jim was Batman drunk, he stretched out of the collar of his shirt.

2. Person 1: “Dude, I drank a ton last night. How bad did I get?”

Person 2: “Dude, you were Batman drunk.”

Batmangasm -

(noun) 1. A sudden outburst of uncontrolled pleasure after watching the Batman movie.

1. “Man, last weekend I went and saw that Batman movie, and I had biggest batmangasm ever.”

Batman parking -

(noun) 1. When you can pull your car through to the opposite space in a parking lot so you don’t have to back out to leave (because you never see the Batmobile go in reverse).

Related forms: Batman park

1. “Yes! Pulling out will be so easy; I got Batman parking.”

And finally, one that relates eerily well to the author of this blog:

Batmania -

(noun) 1. A mental disease involving the mind to constantly obsess over Batman, or being Batman, or anything in the Batman or Gotham City universe.  2. A sex position that requires the female (receiving) partner to wear a Batman mask and the male (penetrating) partner to also wear a Batman mask and go fight crime while the penetrating partner is making love to the receiving partner.  3. A Northern Chinese dish.

1. Steven is diagnosed with Batmania.

2. Evan is still sore from that time he performed Batmania on his girlfriend.

3. The Batmania was prepared exceptionally well.

Wasn’t that fun?  Now go show your appreciation to the Internet’s #1 chef for Batmania (that’s me) by editing the entry for WWBD .

Well, I’m still here, which means I didn’t lose enough money in Sin City (the one without Mickey Rourke) to justify selling my computer for expired macaroni and store-brand beet juice.

Did you all finish your homework ?  Have you set this as your desktop wallpaper for the next three months?

Do so now.

It’s too late for me to find something funny to share about Batman or Star Wars, so here’s a preview of what’s to come this week to WWBD:

Funny stuff about Batman or Star Wars.

Vague references to Green Lantern: First Flight .

A review of Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3: Uprising .

An explanation of why I’ll be living in the Republic of Bulgaria for twenty-seven months.

And more sneaky SEO tactics than you can count!

Join us next time for all this and more — same bat-time, same bat-web log!